Originally written May 2020*
Structure and consistency are two things I thrive on and in a time like now, both of these have been stripped. As you have heard many people say, this is the new normal, not being around the people you consider your spiritual support system and meeting up on a Thursday to praise and worship with your peers. These are important but I believe now is the moment God is showing us, telling us, that though we love these people he has blessed us in our lives, we don’t need them to push us deeper. This is the moment when God is telling every individual “lean on me, there is no one else that can fill what you need, I have it all and I will gladly give, come to me”. God is our support system, he is our friend, father, our first love. There is no other powerful feeling as worshipping the one true king and feeling his presence there with you, within you. This is a one on one relationship so why do we rely on people to help us grow deeper?
This being said, I started this time of social distancing strong, God was speaking to and through me. I have felt his love and wisdom flow through me as I read my bible and did online devotionals with friends. As time went on, the urgency to read the word and the motivation to continue strong began to weaken. My reliance on structure and consistency, which before felt like a strong suite, began to show me that was my blind spot. I focused on how my calendar looked, Tuesday prayer, Wednesday bible study, Thursday young adults and Sunday church. I’ve said it myself “if we were stripped of it all, will the posture of your heart be the same?” Everything has been taken away and I found myself struggling and frustrated for letting myself drift from the word and to be blunt, not being in the mood. That crushes me that I feel this way, but a friend said to me “give yourself grace. If someone was talking to you, saying the same things you are, your response would be different”. I am not out of this internal battle yet but reminding myself that I need to stop holding myself to this impossible standard that I always have to be “on”. That I’m not allowed to take days off, I would never say this to a friend who came to me with this same issue, so why do I give myself a harsher response? We are always harder on ourselves, but your love for God does not go down because you don’t have a perfect streak on the bible app. God wants your heart, not your daily checklist. We get into grooves sometimes of not wanting to or not motivated enough but this does not define who you are as a Christian.
God knows exactly how to speak to us, he knows how to get your attention and during worship this past Sunday the band played God of Revival and I felt an urgency, a need to intentionally listen to the lyrics. “Come awaken Your people. Come awaken Your city. Oh God of revival, pour it out, pour it out.” The line “come awaken your people” struck me, I knew in that moment, God was telling me, stop sleeping, wake up and live. Your situation and surroundings should not affect your posture of worship. When I am weak, he is strong, when I can’t see, he shows me the truth and the most beautiful, when I have fallen asleep, he comes to wake me. We will never be perfect christans and rejoice that isn’t what God asks of us! I encourage you to read the lyrics of this song, digest the words and begin to posture your heart, proclaim and declare to the God of revival!
I caught myself in the mindset of a checklist and the moment I started to defer from my routine, I criticized myself for not keeping up with it, but we can’t ridicule ourselves. Our worlds drastically got turned upside down. We fall but know that God has his hand extended out waiting for you to grab hold as he lifts you back up.